The evolution of the Cougar

Everyone has heard about the legendary Cougar (the kind that likes to go to Maxwells on Elgin on Saturday nights).  We have all had a run in with this urban creature (some of us more than one,  or at least we know someone who has) but where do they come from,  and what do we know about their life cycle?  Men have tried for eons to understand women,  but thanks in equal part to my genius, and awesomeness,  I present to you 

THE EVOLUTION OF THE COMMON COUGAR

Not unlike the common caterpillar,  the Cougar undergoes many phases through life, each one involving unique and potentially lethal characteristics.  

Phase 1: "Domesticated household cat"  Age range 15-19

                Mostly harmless,  the domesticated household cat is a relatively tame and easy going creature.  However,  during this phase of feline development,  the household cat exhibits relatively bad taste in music, and normaly exhibits a below average maturity index and a high potential for crazy. 

Phase 2: "Lynx" Age Range 20-26

                Following the domestic house cat phase,  the lynx relishes in its new found independence and freedom.  Prowling the wilderness,  this woodland creature is free roaming and laid back. 

Phase 3: "Bobcat" Age Range 27-34

                as the years pass,  the Bobcat has become weary of the fun loving days of lynxhood  and yearns to settle down (see mantrap)…  Like Sauron,  the Bobcat voraciously seeks the ring of power (see credit card debt due to engagement ring purchases) in order to control their hapless victims.

Phase 4: "Cougar" Age Range 35-45

                The cougar has grown tired with hunting for prey in their own age range……  these woodland cats prowl in search of younger prey,  bold and territorial,  the Cougar is a natural force to be reckoned with.  They wish to re-live their Lynx phase once again,  however this time,  they mean business!

Phase 5: "Saber Toothed Tiger" Age Range 46-55

                The saber toothed tiger is a particularly dangerous variety,  hardened by years prowling the forest,  these jungle cats have clearly marked hunting grounds within urban areas (Maxwell's on Elgin)  Be very careful and make no mistake,  you cannot hunt this animal,  they hunt you!

Phase 6: "Silverback" Age range 56+

                The most dangerous and territorial of jungle creatures,  they can be frequently found at legion halls, bingo halls and random peoples stag n does……  do not approach under any circumstances!  Once you have been dragged to their lair,  escape is futile....